What Do You See in Me?

The coffee house’s air conditioning is on high, blasting away the humid, Midwestern air. I huddle in my turned up cardigan, annoyed to have to choose between sweat dripping down my shoulder blades or the goose bumps of the interior. I look at my notes carefully drawn up and labeled for the conversation I hope to have with this regular attender. The door opens, blasting twin waves of heat and frigid air. He arrives. I stand, we sit, and I push a coffee at him.

“Thanks for coming today.”

“Glad to get out of the office for a bit.” He looks around. “Crowded today.”

I sip my tea and nod. “What did you think about service on Sunday?”

He leans forward and we talk about what is and is not forgiveness. It’s a great way to gauge one of our essential criteria for asking someone to enter our leadership pipeline, spiritual velocity, which is why I’m meeting with him today.

One way to define spiritual velocity is to ask, “Where is God showing up in his/her life? Can I see that they are a different person than three months ago? A year ago? Where does it look like he or she is headed?” It’s one of those hard-to-see, but impossible-to-do-without characteristics that are absolutely essential for any leadership role from hospitality baker to greeter to small group leader.

I work for Community Christian Church in Chicago as a small groups director and community partnership coordinator. Part of my job includes evaluating potential leaders for next steps, which can be an intangible, intuitive process, and that is why I’m grateful for the guidance of our three essential characteristics. These are the three I rely on to help me discern if someone has potential for further leadership investment. They are:

1.     Spiritual velocity (are they headed to or from God?),

2.     Teachability (will they be willing to go through the apprenticeship process?),

3.     Relational intelligence (are they someone other people want to be around?).

Other organizations have different criteria, some more lenient, some more stringent, but we’ve found that if these three things are in place, everything else is teachable. More Bible knowledge? Teachable. Skills at leading discussions? Teachable. Conflict resolution? Teachable. If they are genuinely seeking God (whether they would say they’ve found God or are still on a journey), willing to accept guidance and wisdom, and can admit their wrongs and still have fun with others – then they are on a path toward leadership.

There are other ways to look at this too, including something we call the “parking lot test.” As in, if you see this person pulling into the parking lot with you, are you excited to see them? Do you want to spend time with them?

This should be an easy, low stakes test. However, there is an important caveat to this – the fact that human psychology makes us hard-wired to be suspicious of people who look different. Whether it’s fashion, age, skin-color, socio-economic status, or anything else tangible – we unconsciously avoid difference. This makes it crucial to be aware of our own blind spots and biases. You don’t want to pass someone up for leadership based solely on your own willingness to say hey. This is where prayer and asking others for their opinions comes in or…spending time with them yourself. So like any set of criteria, it isn’t perfect. Nor is it always easy. In fact, we can accidentally favor people like us or people who are naturally out-going, and miss out on the diversity that strengthens us and the quiet depth of introversion.

That’s what I was trying to evaluate that day in the coffee house. I already knew that this person was fun and easy to be around (relational intelligence- check!) and that they wanted to learn (teachable – check!), but it was that last piece, the spiritual velocity part, that I needed to ascertain.

So I started with a light conversation around the message on Sunday, what he took away from it and how it had impacted his week. Then we talked about his spiritual journey, where he’d been, and where he felt he was headed. Ultimately it ended when I was confident that he was heading in the right direction, growing closer to God rather than further away.

But that’s not where it ends. After those three foundational pieces are in place, it’s time for the “I see in you” conversation (or ICNU – if you like acronyms). For many of us, determining if the three criteria are present could be infinitely easier than needing to sit face to face with someone and take the plunge to tell them what we see in them. There’s something intimidating and vulnerable in that process. For one, it takes courage to broach this subject. For another we’re about to enter into a conversation where the outcome is uncertain. Not everyone wants leadership. Not everyone is ready for leadership, even if outwardly they look ready. We can never be sure of the interior workings of someone else’s heart.

An ICNU conversation revolves around both specific characteristics or events we’ve observed and ends with an ‘ask’ for deeper involvement. It’s something to take very seriously, to prepare for, and to have specifics in case the person is skeptical. I’ve had people assume that I’m asking everyone with a pulse into leadership and being able to look them in the eye and give them reasons is powerful. So powerful in fact, that I’ve had grown men cry over coffee and can almost see their souls expand when told what they do well.

We forget how powerful it is to have another adult recognize something in us. Some of us had that experience as children, praised for contributions or for trying something new, but rarely do we get that as adults. It becomes ‘expected’ and we’re poorer for that. An ICNU conversation remedies that.

And it doesn’t have to be done perfectly. When someone looks back on an ICNU conversation, they probably don’t remember how awkward you felt…mostly because they were more focused on themselves. BUT, they will remember what you said, maybe not word-for-word, but they’ll remember the gist. That you saw something in them, that you’ve been watching them, that you’re impressed with them, that you’re thinking about their development and leadership skills, and that you want to work with them.

Isn’t that what most of us want to hear?

How were you asked into leadership? Were you asked? If you weren’t asked (if you had to ask yourself), how powerful would it be to be recognized and asked? I look back on the times I was asked versus the times I asked, and every time I would have loved to be asked. Honestly, most of the time, the opportunities I’ve had have been opportunities I’ve asked for. So few were given to me that I remember them with crystalline clearness. And I wish there were more.

I want to be a leader who’s constantly looking to give opportunities away. A leader who values and encourages my leaders. Of course, there will be people who are more ready than we thought and will ask for opportunity, or people we didn’t think were even interested in leadership who approach us, but most people want to be asked. You’d be surprised the number of people who never consider themselves a leader, but would if you tell them what you see.

Spiritual velocity.

Teachability.

Relational intelligence.

It all leads to the ICNU. And once they’ve seen what you see, once they’ve been invested in, and set loose on the Kingdom of God – there’s no telling where it could end.

God’s restoration is about our world, our communities, our churches, our leaders. Who in your church, in your volunteer team, in your small group is ready to be unleashed?

Are you willing to take the steps to unleash them?

This first appeared on SmallGroups.com, an affiliate of Christianity Today, on October 24th, 2017.